50 Things I Am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

[Hebe Ano Vasilikis]

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20. I will not call the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with coast-to-coast am transcripts.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!".

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

27. I am not a tribble Animagus.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

29. I do not weight the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the evil overlord list to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

[Hebe Ano Vasilikis]

51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.

52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

53. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

54. My name is not Captain Subtext.

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones."

56. I will not refer to Kingsly Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror."

57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.

58. Professor Flitwick's first name isn't Yoda.

59. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes professor.

60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

62. Gryfindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey."

63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

64. First years are not to fed to Fluffy.

65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder."

68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions Class.

69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

70. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

71. I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Syltherin house mascot.

72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can only be ONE!"

73. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."

74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a menber of that house, not am I its founder.

77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege."

79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

80. I will not use Syltherin and Gryfindor first years as Christmas decorations.

81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in whch one should answer.

83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

87. A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars.

88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors.

89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate evert half hour.

90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

92. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for."

93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

96. I will not follew potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

99. I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

100. I am not allowed to intorduce Peeves to Paintballing.

[Hebe Ano Vasilikis]

101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Bubble and Buttercup.

102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.

103. I am not allowed to give the Gryfindors pixie stix.

104. I will not lock the Syltherins and Griffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

105. I will not give Hargid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

107. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Syltherin quidditch mathes.

108. I will not tell the first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

109. I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visable when wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room.

110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.

111. I will not yell "Belive it... or not!" after any of Dombledore's speeches.

112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

119. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.

120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles."

121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable quidditch chant.

123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Syltherin Day.

127. I am not allowed to introduce my self to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.

128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.

129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.

131. I will not steal Gryfindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

134. I will not teach the first years to play The Penis Game in the Great Hall during Dinner.

135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

137. 42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs.

138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

141. I will not scare Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

145. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryfindor.

146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.

150. Getting everyone into the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any House Points.